my world of white noise

I imagine it must be hard to give up something you have come to rely on for so long. It’s been a faithful companion to you throughout the years, and if I’m honest, we’ve never been able to compete.

But here’s the problem – it’s literally killing you. And it’s really hard for us to stand back and watch.

We’re here to support you if you want to make a change, so I offer this prayer to help give you strength.

Dear God,

I’m struggling, and I need Your help.
Alcohol has taken too much from me,
And I want to find the strength to let it go.

Please calm my mind and give peace to my heart.
Help me face the pain I’ve been hiding from,
And give me the courage to heal.

Remind me that I am not alone,
That I am loved, and that I can change.
Thank You for walking with me, even when I fall.

Amen.

We’ve taken it for granted

But now it’s disappeared

A virus is out to get us

We hide ourselves indoors

Through the mayhem and madness

We discover a new world

One that is peaceful, you see

The traffic has dispelled

The birds sing hallelujah

They’re grateful for clean air

The practicing of kindness

Is the in trend thing, we care

We’ve learnt to slow it down

Be thankful and aware

Of all those precious moments

We once failed to share

Our curse is now a blessing

We hope to change for good

Freedom will return one day

May we value it when it does.

You’ll find him down the corridor

Popping in to say hello

To each and every lady

Whose office is front row

He likes to have his banter

A nickname for all the girls

Age is not a barrier

He’ll go for the old and young

They feed his ego with laughter

Some even bake him cakes

He doesn’t worry about waistlines

His chat is all it takes

To turn the heads of women

They soak up each word his says

During a global crisis

A little flirting goes a long way

Who would have ever thought it

He’s a real ladies man

A five foot something hubby

That can charm his female friends.

For so long now

He has called the shots

Steering the direction

Of his ship and staff

Then out of nowhere

A virus appears

Taking no prisoners

It leaves him unprepared

So the boss is forced

To change his ways

Let others take lead

Step back in vain

What he doesn’t expect

Is for them to be good

To change his thinking

On the could’s and should’s

The music is playing

In his office again

He’s learnt to relax

Put his family ahead

See there is beauty

In having no control

The boss has new purpose

He’s helping others grow.

Like an addict, he lies

Even to himself

Buries his head in his work

Although it can’t save him now

His choices, have consequences

Hurting people he cares about

But he doesn’t know how to stop

And gain some self control

The world has fallen silent

It gives him time to think

His ways need mending

He can’t go on like this

A decision must be made

What is it that he wants?

The risk could be worth it

As fighting it, is not

The birds sing with purpose

They know we can’t go back

The old world has left us

It’s time to start afresh.

So it turns out I was right (I knew I would be!) – my best friend is a cheat. Upon discussion, he revealed that he couldn’t share his infidelity with me because he knew how strongly I felt about the subject. He’s not wrong, I have very strong feelings about cheating. But not because I’ve been on the receiving end of it, or for that matter, been a perpetrator of it. It is simply because I’m of the view that cheating is wrong under any circumstance – there just has to be a better way..

Now I’m a social sciences teacher, so I understand why cheating might occur. I can fully appreciate the evolutionary argument that males have evolved to be sexually promiscuous or the sociological view that monogamy is a social construct. I can empathise with individuals who are so deeply unhappy in their relationship that they go on to seek comfort in places (and with people) they most probably shouldn’t. And I can even understand that some people thrive on taking (high cost) risks or that they lose interest in their current relationship. But what I can’t seem to get my head around is that we are all taught to treat each other how we would want to be treated – none of us would want to be cheated on so why would we do it to another person?

I have given some real thought to those involved in cheating. To start with we have the ‘cheater’; they carry with them an insecurity so deep that the easiest way for them to deal with it is to press the self destruct button, they escape into another person to runaway from themselves. And then there’s the ‘victim’ who never really finds peace with having been cheated on; they may feel the need to protect their heart when entering new relationships, not realising that by keeping it on lock, they have closed themselves off from ever experiencing love. Finally, we have the ‘other’ person who always seems to come in second place; they make a perfect little stop gap for anybody in the marketplace to cheat, but they are never good enough to complete the journey with – it seems that everybody forgets that the other person would like to go the distance too..

Whilst I know that cheating is far more complex than I have described above, and humans even more so, I find myself asking a simple question. Would I want to deal with my inadequacies at the expense of other people’s feelings? The thing is, cheating doesn’t just happen. It isn’t an automatic reaction that we have no control over. Just as we make the decision to cheat, we can make the decision to work on our relationship; to acknowledge our unhappiness and live and breathe in that space rather than make to escape. If as a society, we continue to place a greater stigma on communicating our dissatisfaction in our relationship rather than cheating on our partner, the latter will become a commonplace solution for dealing with a difficult situation. Sadly, for all the people involved, this will cost them their peace of mind until they are ready to face the real truth.

For the past three to four years I have watched my best friend at work develop an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague in my department. I have watched him find excuses to meet with her in the work place or text her – and quite often this has undermined my role as head of department since both parties have cut me out in order to create an opportunity to speak with each other directly. Many a time, I have found her sitting in the office we share chatting away to him, only to then get up and leave as soon as I return. I know my best friend very well – I can tell when he’s responding to her text simply by the smile on his face and I’ve seen his body language change when he’s close to her – suddenly he tries to crack a joke or tell a story in order to impress her. To some extent, I don’t think my best friend is aware of all these subtle changes in his behaviour; it would be a difficult truth to face given that he’s engaged and she’s a married mother of two.

So what should I do with this information? Quite evidently, I’ve had a long time to work this out. I could call my best friend out on his behaviour and he could: a) outright deny it and try to convince me it’s all in my head; b) admit that there’s truth in what I have seen; or c) we could have a ginormous argument about the whole situation, say hurtful things to each other and permanently damage our working relationship as a result. It is the latter that is not only the most likely outcome but the outcome I fear the most – so much so that although I find his behaviour uncomfortable to watch, I’d rather that, than risk losing my best friend all together. This I know is stupid; I know I can never truly be a best friend to him until I can be completely honest and although I may think I’m keeping it to myself, my feelings about the situation creep out in other ways – I have a tendency of telling him I don’t trust him or that we’re not real best friends without explaining my reasons why.

If I was ever brave enough to call him out, I’d want him to know the following. That with the exception of what I have detailed above, he is the nicest man I know. He is genuinely kind, incredibly caring, reflective in all that he does and funny without having to try. He is a better man than he is behaving right now, and if he was really honest with himself, I believe he’d be disappointed with the type of man he has become. Most importantly, I’d want him to know that I want him to be happy – and happiness, like most things in life, is a choice. So whatever choice he may make, I’d say honour it – commit with all of your heart, give it all of your energy and put in as much of your time. And should that choice not work out, you can walk away without feeling guilt or regret. But here’s the best part, if it does work out, it can last a lifetime.

My best friend at work once described me using the following three words: hardworking, perceptive and principled. I hope that if he is to ever read this, he does so remembering me in this context..

Evil has plagued society since the beginning of time itself. For this reason alone, I cannot help but think that it must serve a purpose in our world. Maybe we need evil to be able to recognise good; or maybe, given the right circumstances, we’re all hard wired to commit inconceivable acts against humanity. So what stops the great majority of us following this path of destruction, and more significantly places a tiny proportion upon it?

For me, the answer lies in our lived experiences. Although very few of us will remember our first day of school, we can say with near certainty that as we met another child for the very first time we did so with a natural curiosity rather than any animosity. Children don’t judge others based on arbitrary measurements such as race, religion or social class, instead they form their assessment of a person based on the quality of their character. Worryingly, as we grow older, it appears that the opposite is true for a small minority of us. Difference suddenly becomes a dirty word; its beauty is lost amongst a stronghold of beliefs and ideologies so extreme in their nature that a person is willing, by any means necessary, to exert their own views upon others.  

Individuals such as these, who are fuelled by a deep sense of hate and intolerance, experience the world (and all that it has to offer) with a negative mindset. What they fail to realise is that by spending each day in this state of negativity they are depleting all of their energy; holding onto anger is exhausting. These individuals ultimately cheat themselves of living  a full life which may go some way to explaining their reckless behaviour – they are of the view that life is dispensable. 

And then there’s those of us who embrace difference and come to realise a common truth: diversity opens our minds. We grow richer by listening to a story that is different from our own, and this allows us to value the richness of the human condition. We are able to accept and respect views that may differ from our own, and instead of fearing the ‘other’ we quickly realise that we’re not all that different in the first place. 

A repeated lesson that history has taught us is that we can’t fight hate with hate. So maybe evil exists to remind us of this; that instead of playing the perpetrator of hate at their own game, we need to create our own rules. And maybe our rules are this: be brave, be fearless, unite for the greater good , and do not let yourself be deafeated. For when an act of evil is committed, we are brought together and reminded just how resilient the human spirit is.

It’s strange, reading was never a pastime that was particularly encouraged during my upbringing. So when I had my first taste of Harry Potter, it was as a book that I loaned from the local library. To this day, Harry Potter and the Philopsher’s Stone remains my all time favourite read; the feeling I got from immersing myself in J. K. Rowling’s world was like no other I had experienced. The wizarding world made complete and perfect sense – and it was so very wonderful to be a part of.

But I realise that enjoying Harry Potter as a child is a completely different experience to enjoying it as an adult. As an adult, I now realise how truly profound the message of the story is. My appreciation for J. K. Rowling’s ability is tenfold. As an adult, I can appreciate how an individual can find solace in a fictional world, and I often find myself wondering what experiences J. K. Rowling must have had in order for them to reflect in her writing the way they do.

The underlying theme of ‘good versus evil’ is ever present in her books and not too dissimilar from the battle faced by our very own planet. In a world that is dominated by the human race, we only have to switch our TVs on to bear witnesses to inhumane acts that are driven by a thirst for power and control of others. A Voldemort probably sits amongst us all – an individual with so much darkness in his or her heart that the only way they know to feel something is at the dear cost to somebody else. And yet running parallel to this is all that is right in the world. The millions of people whose hearts are so full of peace and gratitude, and a desire to increasingly make themselves a better person. We see proof of this everyday in the most simple acts of kindness; somebody holding the door, or giving way, or somebody taking five minutes out of their day to really listen to what somebody else has to say. With all the negative news stories that we have become accustomed to it is often easy to forget the true beauty that our world continues to offer.

In my view Harry Potter teaches us some of the most valuable lessons in life; that all humans are flawed (and that’s okay), that the animals in our kingdom are an integral part of it, and that fighting to preserve our planet is a fight worth having! In a society that encourages independence, Harry Potter is able to provide us with the benefits of putting our pride and ego aside to ask for help in our times of need; it values the importance of friendship. It reminds us that love is enduring, across any space, time or distance. And it shows that a little humility can go a very long way indeed. Through it all, Harry Potter reminds us that life is complicated; we have difficult choices to make and these are likely to induce a feeling of fear or anxiety, but in the very end with a little bit of courage and a lot of determination we are likely to prevail. And the hardest lesson of all? That the people who need us to be most kind are those whom we often believe don’t deserve it at all – we have to learn to forgive the things we deem most unforgivable..

So who needs religion when you’ve got Harry Potter to guide you; all one needs to ask themselves is, what would Harry Potter do?

Although many of us wouldn’t like to admit it, we’re likely to develop similar traits to our parents as we grow. Our environment has a more powerful influence than we ever give it credit for. I can already see traits within myself that are typical of my household – instead of talking respectfully, we speak by shouting at one another; and maybe more typical of human nature, we’re quick to dish out blame instead of accepting responsibility. 

To some extent, I am very much aware of these developing ‘bad habits’ and try (although not always successfully) to do, and to be better. My worry is the impact our environment has had on my brother; and more concerningly, the fact that he can’t see it. My brother has become my dad – he likes to make his anger heard to the rest of the household by banging doors, the only way he can manage his emotions is by taking them out on others (namely my mom), and he has developed my dad’s like for drinking (too much) alcohol. His moods change like the weather, and having been a bystander to this kind of behaviour courtesy of dad, I can tell you from experience that it leaves everybody else on tenterhooks. The only time our house knows any sense of peace is when the male members are out!

Right now I can see that my brother is lost. He has lost all control of his emotions. He has lost his identity. He has lost his way in life. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have a set of parents who have the emotional intelligence to see this – their world is very much black and white. As a result, they can’t support him through this, making his plight far worse. We’ve never been a family that show any real affection or give encouragement – the only way I know to do this is through words. So if I had the ability to say it in person to my brother, I would say this..

Our parents are by no means perfect; as much as we may want to change them, we never can. To find any kind of peace within ourselves, we need to learn to accept them for who they are. This is not always easy to do (and I know how difficult they can make it) but it is the lesser of two evils – otherwise their way of life will drive us to despair. If we could strip them of all their negative flaws, the truth is that they would always have our backs – they would place our happiness above all else, each and every time. That’s what we’ve got to hold on to. 

Right now, you’re stuck in a dark place and you don’t know how to un-stick yourself. Once a upon a time I was there; so I speak from experience when I say it won’t last forever. The one thing I’ve come away from it learning is you have to learn to love yourself – if you can crack that, you’ll be able to face the world with confidence and resilience, and be more appreciative of all that you have instead of looking out for things that you haven’t. Get to know yourself – if you don’t like the person you’re faced with, begin a steady change. Make one change at a time so that you have a fighting chance of success; and don’t be too hard on yourself if you stumble, there’s always tomorrow. You’re not a bad person, you just happen to be in a bad place – it’s only when God makes us face up to our demons that we know what it means to be truly content.

Everything will be fine, just you wait and see 🙂